Power couple model. Happiness and inspiration, strength and power

On 19 April 201921 April 2019 By marlenawachLeave a comment

Why we are in partnership, why we want to be with another person?

We want to be happy and supported. We have a hope that other person will realize our needs and understand us. It will be good if we could communicate our needs in the way that other person understand. Love is nothing that is given forever, we need to care about it each day and able to give and communicate what we would appreciate to receive, celebrate small and big achievements together. If we do not realize partner’s needs then the other person will be depressed, unhappy and eventually will try to find these needs satisfaction outside the relationship. That is not surprising and in addition mutually caused. Blaming another person is the way how we want to then justify our lack of understanding and actions. We shouldn’t limit other person but support and appreciate his/her development. The couples who don’t have clear goals and visions and mutual understanding don’t last. 20190304_142602

The power couple model gives a sense of security and space for joint and individual development of both partners. Together they are more stronger and powerful. One supports the other in being himself, it does not limit him/her. They both know what they want in life and they’re willing to help each other to get there. Everyone works on their emotions and behaviors, knowing that he/she is responsible for them.

She does not look for a knight on a white horse or a hero in him. He does not need a princess…They build trust, strength, conscious communication. Such relationship stimulates one’s own actions to achieve much more being together. Partners in power couple are more productive, motivated and creative. They have greater attitude towards empathy, emotion control, positive thinking, developing gratitude and being thankful to the partner.

Be honest and faithful

Your insecurities, your worries, your failures, your weaknesses. Let it out and don’t hold back. Honesty will help you be your true, authentic selves. And the only way you’re going to reach the heights you’re aiming for is if you can be who you really are. It’s only by revealing your deepest insecurities that you’ll be able to protect each other through the dark times and rise the ladder of success together. 20190222_172351

The power couple understand each other’s goals and dreams and don’t hide any insecurities and fears. They’re each other’s biggest fans, supporting one another through thick and thin. They motivate each other to reach their potential. They’re in love with each other, but they don’t “need” each other to survive. They’re perfectly okay spending time apart, because they know it’ll be even more special when they meet again.

They’re both optimistic. Their attitude pushes them through tough times together. When one of them is dealing with challenges, the other one helps them look on the bright side and see the best in every situation. This is what helps them succeed even when it feels like there’s no way out.

Does the relationship take more energy than it gives?

Trust comes from a sense of internal comfort. It emerges from within rather than as a result of trying to control everything your partner does. If you don’t trust your partner on some fundamental level, you’ve got some work to do for yourself. If you think it’s fine to jump on your partner’s phone the minute they exit the room, and if you’ve ever looked at your partner’s phone without their consent, you are getting time to exit.

Growth is obviously something we want from being with someone. But if your partner isn’t who you want him/her to be today, you’re not in the right relationship. Sure, people change and grow over their lives, but you’re going to ruin your partner’s if your happiness is contingent on them changing. If the price of being in your relationship means you can’t be who you truly are, that’s too high a price. The relationships should help you grow into the best version of yourself. If yours makes you feel like you’re playing a role instead of playing yourself, it’s time to jump a ship.

Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry. In reality, we each have choices

We’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too depressed, too not-enough. There’s another side to this story— the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.

It is good to honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, know and be loyal to yourself and be brave in order to find yourself and a power couple model, person, who would like to know your expectations, realize your needs and supports you in achieving joint and individual goals.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have no love, I am only a ringing gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains, but have no love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and exult in the surrender of my body, but have no love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

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Male and female personal mixture. Conscious communication

On 7 April 20197 April 2019 By marlenawachLeave a comment

The content of gender stereotypes, according to which women should display communal and warmth traits, be sensitive, caring and men should display authority, domination, strong, powerful, competence traits, is reflected in the language style choices of everyday communication. Due to evaluations, mindsets and roles are changing but still we are saying: real men never cry.

I would say that mixture of men and female features in one person is the best option.

Masculinity. Mature masculinity as a presence in here and now and immature is looking for confirmation, identification, enters into stories, believes in own thoughts.

Mature masculinity leads others, immature competes. I want to be better than you, if someone wins, another must lose, the one who loses does not like that who won. The partnership is better, the cooperation is more effective. So what if I have the right arguments as you may not like it. I want to lead and not to destroy others. Leadership is when I realize your needs better than you do. Leadership is not the way I exterminate you because it is tyranny. Key is understanding own role and goals.

Self-confidence instead of arrogance, self-confidence as an awareness of my own values based on the facts. Arrogance assumes superiority, self-confidence, and no sensitivity to promote oneself. Creating a sense of security instead of thinking about yourself.

Emotional sensitivity instead of being macho. No meed to show domination, we are use force once we afraid. We need strength when we defend ourselves, but outside of such situations, we need communication. Supporting – masculinity supports, wants the other people to grow and immature judges and humiliates, it is built at the expense of someone else, a scoffer, humiliating others to feel better. The fact of cutting someone’s head will not make the other party grow, but taking care of the development of the other person allows later to model it. People learn by copying examples and not by being forced to do something. Self-awareness, not narcissism.

Conscious communication, precise expression of what is happening, without dominating. The ability to enjoy what you have. The perseverance in pursuing a goal is to respect your potential.

Femininity. Intuitiveness – using another form of understanding reality, I feel (gut feeling) instead of rationalization – explaining what I feel. Unconditional instead of fear of losing control. I fell in love – I throw things because this feeling is the most important to me.

Grace, being nice, warm, kindness instead of superficiality and artificial interest. This grace is the beauty and attraction going from inside, instead of exterior. Partnership instead of seduction (seem as taking the man’s soul, personality, willingness to control). In the past what men gained by force, women gained by seduction. Perhaps the partnership model is better.

Freedom instead of being a victim, other people cannot embrace our mind, it’s just stories. Awareness of self-worth instead of seeking acceptance and approval by others, external approval. Empathy instead of sulks. Fear of being weak, fear of rejection. Grounding in reality instead of in dreams and stories. Assertiveness and sensitivity. Ability of assertive, warm speaking No response. Developing characteristics and turning them into behaviors.

Only being a man and a woman allows us to achieve the balance we need. We confuse a set of features and competences with the gender – it seems to us that something is not masculine or not feminine. At one time, it was not masculine to smile. Over a time we have different models of masculinity created in movies. The best is to keep a balance in feminine and masculinity features.

Conscious communication

Speak as precisely as possible – so that the other side will understand you in one particular way
Do not leave space for interpretation – it could cause unnecessary conflicts
Instead of saying “You’re weird”, introduce what you did not like about the behavior of the other person or how you reacted to them, e.g: “Your behavior is incomprehensible to me”
Build a discussion based on understanding, not mutual objections
Be constructive. When you notice a problem, present a solution instead of immersing yourself in a difficult situation without giving constructive feedback
Do not stop at the stage of diagnosing the problem, but do everything to find a solution – the best three different
Use comparisons during the conversation – your partner should identify with them and fully understand how you feel, they must be adapted to his or her own experience
Communicate using your partner’s communication style; if he likes gesticulation, try to complement his words with appropriate gestures
During the conversation do not impose your point of view on the other person
Take into account his / her experiences, needs and feelings, refrain from negative reactions that can irritate, stress or simply cloud your partner, such behaviors include: interruption, yawning, lack of eye contact, closed body position, blaming, generalizing, using the telephone
Confirm what you have understood from the interview that what has been communicated is important to you, refer to what your partner said
Dialogue is not a monologue

Have you ever wondered why you may repeat unhealthy patterns in relationship with others?

On 19 January 201921 January 2019 By marlenawachLeave a comment

Do you know why you have particular tendencies to view yourself, others, and the world in a certain way? Early childhood memories as indicators of unconscious maladaptive schemas.

What are schema and why should you care?

There are patterns of repeatable behavior known as schema. Imagine what it would be like if you did not have a mental model of your world. It would mean that you would not be able to make so much use of information from your past experience or to plan future actions. Schemas are the basic building blocks of such cognitive models, and enable us to form a mental representation of the world. The basic building block of intelligent behavior – a way of organizing knowledge.

A schema can be defined as a set of linked mental representations of the world, which we use both to understand and to respond to situations. The assumption is that we store these mental representations and apply them when needed. For example, a person might have a schema about being good wife or husband or being on a wedding, in restaurant. Whenever they are in such situation, they retrieve this schema from memory and apply it to the situation.

The newborn babies have a small number of innate schemas but has core basic childhood needs such as safety, contact with others, predictability/consistency, autonomy, self-esteem, self-expression, real restrictions, love, attention, acceptance, empathy, guidance/protection, and validation go significantly unmet, maladaptive schemas may form as a result. Therefore, lack of any of these basic need develop different schames that we then apply over and over during our life.

Schema domains:

1. Disconnection and Rejection

Is related to the child’s experience of being cut off from healthy emotional and physical nourishment. The child feels a lack of love, security and empathy, care from parents that eventually develops into a lack of trust and of intimacy. These deficits are often construed by the individual as rejection and produce a sense of alienation by others: (1) Abandonment/Instability; (2) Mistrust/Abuse; (3) Emotional Deprivation; (4) Defectiveness/Shame; (5) Social Alienation/Rejection.

2. Impaired Autonomy and Performance

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Incorporates schemas that are linked to feelings of a lack of independence and safety. In this respect there is an associated feeling of a loss of control over one’s destiny and also an unhealthy dependency on other people for direction and support. There is also insufficient faith in one’s own ability that leads to a perception of not being able perform successfully in the world. These feelings probably stem from experiences in childhood that undermined the child’s sense of responsibility, control and safety. This may have eventuated because of over protection of the child by the parent, or the opposite extreme of not enough direction or guidance: (1) Dependence/Incompetence; (2) Vulnerability to Harm/Illness; (3) Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self, (4) Failure.

3. Impaired Limits

Children who have been constantly overindulged by parents in a permissive environment often develop schemas that involve insufficient self-control, accompanied by a feeling of superiority, a general lack of responsibility to others, internal limits. Also, a lack of discipline often results in the inability to engage in a reciprocal relationship of give and take. The person feels special and that he or she has a free reign without limits or the awareness of the consequences of his or her behaviour: (1) Entitlement/Grandiosity; (2) Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline.

4. Other-Directedness

It happens when children have learnt to focus on other people’s needs and feelings, especially those of their parents, at the expense of their own. Frequently, these children have been unable to express their own needs or emotions because they fear the consequences, such as the imposition of guilt or reprisals, from their parents. The parents of these children often demonstrate conditional acceptance of their children. As a result the child can come to emphasise the parent’s needs in preference its own (subordination of needs, emotions, self-sacrifice, search for approval / recognition): (1) Subjugation; (2) Self-Sacrifice; (3) Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking.

5. Overvigilance and Inhibition

Incorporates schemas that are related to the suppression of feelings and urges. Children develop schemas in this domain as a result of experiences with parents who exaggerate duty, perfectionism and rigid rules while discouraging the expression of emotion and happiness. As a result, the child may become prone to unhappiness, a lack of affect, ill health, and feelings of tension and also tend to avoid pleasure and intimacy. The basic cost is authentic happiness, inner peace, overall relaxation, and meaningful relationships. The parents are also inclined towards worrisome and pessimistic attitudes. Negativity / pessimism, suppression of feelings (suppression of anger and aggression, difficulties in showing sensitivity or free expression of feelings, exaggerated emphasis of rationality while ignoring emotions, perfectionism, strict rules and duties in many areas of life: (1) Negativity/Pessimism; (2) Emotional Inhibition; (3) Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness; (4) Punitiveness.

Which of the five broad schema domains stood out to you the most as you reflect back on your personal lifetime of experiences?

Allow yourself to become open to identifying with any specific schemas that seem to ring true or fit with your lifetime of personal experiences. Try to slow down and remain open to any uncomfortable or suppressed feelings that may arise from your early childhood experiences. If you notice yourself beginning to identify with a schema domain or particular schame, take the time to consider the ways in which you may have learned to develop these beliefs to protect yourself from the continued agony of your basic childhood needs going unmet.

The idea is that an early maladaptive schemas develops as a protective measure when your core childhood needs are not sufficiently met, thus serving a functional purpose at the time. Problems may develop when such schemas persist into adulthood and adversely impact the development of a meaningful life or relationships. The schemas that may have served a useful (protective) purpose in childhood may become an outdated, maladaptive, and ineffective complex defense mechanism in adulthood.

Remember that the idea is that these schemas develop as a consequence of your early repetitive relational patterns with parents and being the way in which children learn to adapt to painful childhood experiences in efforts to protect themselves.

Generate New behaviour:

The schame teaches your mind new behaviors that can be applied in different contexts
To perform a new behavior, the mind must be programmed using visualization (imagination), which consists in reproducing the desired behavior to the test
The more precise the images are, the better result will be obtained.

Process:

Imagine yourself behaving in a New way.
Mentally enter this scenario, identifying with him. What feelings do you have after this behavior?
Modify your behavior until you feel that you are completely identifying with it and you will be sure that you will do it.
Imagine yourself behaving in a worked out way in contexts in which you would like to trigger such behavior in yourself.
Check what has changed and how you feel equipped with a New skill.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

On 14 January 201914 January 2019 By marlenawach1 Comment

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is the right to be free, to not allow anyone or anything from the past to bind you in your current actions.

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When we don’t forgive, we keep alive those energy that bind us to the person that hurt us, or to the pain itself. Not forgiving holds us back from experiencing the full range of positive emotions, because the energy we might otherwise devote to living joyously in our own experience is being used up on a particularly painful experience that we can no longer control.

Many people live their lives hating people or events from their past, allowing these things to cloud their present day experience. You need to forgive yourself and move on from the past.

It frees us from anger, harm and bitterness, emotions that not only don’t feel good but they can also ruin our physical health and hold us back from all the good we might achieve and experience. Forgiveness releases your energy and give you a space to develop. When you forgive, you’re giving a gift of mental, emotional, and spiritual freedom to yourself.

Release your bitter feelings. We need to forgive ourselves first. Why it is so difficult?

When we’ve done something wrong, we register it in our nervous system. A mistake that costs us something we want might have sadness attached to it. If we try to forgive ourselves for something without releasing the underlying emotion or belief we’ve attached to it, the forgiveness just doesn’t take. To release that part of your past that you need to forgive, it’s helpful to remember that we’re all doing the best we can in any moment.

Acknowledge your feelings related to the situation and actually feel them

In order to forgive ourselves, we first have to admit to ourselves that we did something wrong. We have to take ownership and acknowledge the mistake. Please do not changing the past in your mind by trying cleaned up yourself, and just admit that something had happened. It’s helpful to remember that mistakes, failures and even incredibly stupid acts are part of being human. It’s how we learn and grow.

When you really love someone, isn’t it easier to forgive and see it as a one-time event? Do you have such loving, trusting relationship with yourselves?

Many of us are much more critical of ourselves than we are of others. We’ll give other people the benefit of the doubt, but won’t give ourselves any slack at all. When you’re dealing with a person you don’t trust or like, you can choose to forgive, release the hurt, and simply not maintain contact with such person anymore. With yourself? Not an option. You don’t get to quit or walk away from yourself.

You need to get your relationship with you to be more positive. It is extremely helpful to establish self-acceptance and self-love. Eliminate from your mind negative emotions. Make the choice to forgive yourself and others.

Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. And you may need to forgive again and again sometimes until that becomes your New normal. Forgiveness is not about accepting another’s actions and definitely doesn’t mean we condone certain behavior or allow any further abuse.We don’t need to trust someone or something in order to forgive, and we don’t need to invite someone over for coffee or tea because we’ve decided to cut the cords of suffering.

When forgiving another, we are not releasing them from what they have done. Forgiveness isn’t even about the other person. The choice to forgive is always a gift we give ourselves.

Holding a grudge against someone for a past event does not effect the other person in any way, it only effects you so release yourself from the past and enjoy the right to be free.

“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future” Paul Boese

Continue reading “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” →

Perfectionism and Acceptance

On 4 December 201810 December 2018 By marlenawachLeave a comment

You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging. Brene Brown

Long time ago at the beginning of my professional legal career one MB member of company I had been working with came to my office late night once I had been still there working. We spoke about kids and life and I explained to him what I am working on once my child is at home sick. He did a great favour for me by recommending amazingly good doctor for my child. He did also another thing by saying that: Nobody is perfect. The second thought I understood many years after that moment.

Perfectionism saved me from drowning, but it didn’t help me to swim. I was treading water, staying safe, and desperately trying to control my reality, which is never truly possible. I had been never satisfied by anything less than perfection, never satisfied with my success. Becoming depressed when faced with failure or disappointment and becoming overly defensive when criticized. What I realized later was at the heart of perfectionism is the desire for love and acceptance. A very common defense against shame is the drive for perfection.

I have been extremely lucky to meet a lot of good people on my life journey and also I am still working on my emotional development. Somewhere along my journey I learned how to setting standards that are still high but within reach and enjoying process as well as outcome small and big one. I am trying to bouncing back quickly from failure or disappointment and see mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning. There is no shame in mistakes, just an opportunity to grow.

Improving your self-acceptance or self-compassion is the way forward to overcoming self-blaming tendencies and overcoming perfectionism and hidden shame of failure.