Have you ever wondered why you may repeat unhealthy patterns in relationship with others?

Do you know why you have particular tendencies to view yourself, others, and the world in a certain way? Early childhood memories as indicators of unconscious maladaptive schemas.

What are schema and why should you care?sf_1

There are patterns of repeatable behavior known as schema. Imagine what it would be like if you did not have a mental model of your world. It would mean that you would not be able to make so much use of information from your past experience or to plan future actions. Schemas are the basic building blocks of such cognitive models, and enable us to form a mental representation of the world. The basic building block of intelligent behavior – a way of organizing knowledge.

A schema can be defined as a set of linked mental representations of the world, which we use both to understand and to respond to situations. The assumption is that we store these mental representations and apply them when needed. For example, a person might have a schema about being good wife or husband or being on a wedding, in restaurant. Whenever they are in such situation, they retrieve this schema from memory and apply it to the situation.

The newborn babies have a small number of innate schemas but has core basic childhood needs such as safety, contact with others, predictability/consistency, autonomy, self-esteem, self-expression, real restrictions, love, attention, acceptance, empathy, guidance/protection, and validation go significantly unmet, maladaptive schemas may form as a result. Therefore, lack of any of these basic need develop different schames that we then apply over and over during our life.

Schema domains:

1.  Disconnection and Rejection

Is related to the child’s experience of being cut off from healthy emotional and physical nourishment. The child feels a lack of love, security and empathy, care from parents that eventually develops into a lack of trust and of intimacy. These deficits are often construed by the individual as rejection and produce a sense of alienation by others: (1) Abandonment/Instability; (2) Mistrust/Abuse; (3) Emotional Deprivation; (4) Defectiveness/Shame; (5) Social Alienation/Rejection.

2. Impaired Autonomy and Performance

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Incorporates schemas that are linked to feelings of a lack of independence and safety. In this respect there is an associated feeling of a loss of control over one’s destiny and also an unhealthy dependency on other people for direction and support. There is also insufficient faith in one’s own ability that leads to a perception of not being able perform successfully in the world. These feelings probably stem from experiences in childhood that undermined the child’s sense of responsibility, control and safety. This may have eventuated because of over protection of the child by the parent, or the opposite extreme of not enough direction or guidance: (1) Dependence/Incompetence; (2) Vulnerability to Harm/Illness; (3) Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self, (4) Failure.

3. Impaired Limits

Children who have been constantly overindulged by parents in a permissive environment often develop schemas that involve insufficient self-control, accompanied by a feeling of superiority, a general lack of responsibility to others, internal limits. Also, a lack of discipline often results in the inability to engage in a reciprocal relationship of give and take. The person feels special and that he or she has a free reign without limits or the awareness of the consequences of his or her behaviour: (1) Entitlement/Grandiosity; (2) Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline.

4. Other-Directedness

It happens when children have learnt to focus on other people’s needs and feelings, especially those of their parents, at the expense of their own. Frequently, these children have been unable to express their own needs or emotions because they fear the consequences, such as the imposition of guilt or reprisals, from their parents. The parents of these children often demonstrate conditional acceptance of their children. As a result the child can come to emphasise the parent’s needs in preference its own (subordination of needs, emotions, self-sacrifice, search for approval / recognition): (1) Subjugation; (2) Self-Sacrifice; (3) Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking.

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Incorporates schemas that are related to the suppression of feelings and urges. Children develop schemas in this domain as a result of experiences with parents who exaggerate duty, perfectionism and rigid rules while discouraging the expression of emotion and happiness. As a result, the child may become prone to unhappiness, a lack of affect, ill health, and feelings of tension and also tend to avoid pleasure and intimacy. The basic cost is authentic happiness, inner peace, overall relaxation, and meaningful relationships. The parents are also inclined towards worrisome and pessimistic attitudes. Negativity / pessimism, suppression of feelings (suppression of anger and aggression, difficulties in showing sensitivity or free expression of feelings, exaggerated emphasis of rationality while ignoring emotions, perfectionism, strict rules and duties in many areas of life: (1) Negativity/Pessimism; (2) Emotional Inhibition; (3) Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness; (4) Punitiveness.

Which of the five broad schema domains stood out to you the most as you reflect back on your personal lifetime of experiences?

Allow yourself to become open to identifying with any specific schemas that seem to ring true or fit with your lifetime of personal experiences. Try to slow down and remain open to any uncomfortable or suppressed feelings that may arise from your early childhood experiences. If you notice yourself beginning to identify with a schema domain or particular schame, take the time to consider the ways in which you may have learned to develop these beliefs to protect yourself from the continued agony of your basic childhood needs going unmet.

The idea is that an early maladaptive schemas develops as a protective measure when your core childhood needs are not sufficiently met, thus serving a functional purpose at the time. Problems may develop when such schemas persist into adulthood and adversely impact the development of a meaningful life or relationships. The schemas that may have served a useful (protective) purpose in childhood may become an outdated, maladaptive, and ineffective complex defense mechanism in adulthood.

Remember that the idea is that these schemas develop as a consequence of your early repetitive relational patterns with parents and being the way in which children learn to adapt to painful childhood experiences in efforts to protect themselves.

Generate New behaviour:

  • The schame teaches your mind new behaviors that can be applied in different contexts
  • To perform a new behavior, the mind must be programmed using visualization (imagination), which consists in reproducing the desired behavior to the test
  • The more precise the images are, the better result will be obtained.

Process:

  1. Imagine yourself behaving in a New way.
  2. Mentally enter this scenario, identifying with him. What feelings do you have after this behavior?
  3. Modify your behavior until you feel that you are completely identifying with it and you will be sure that you will do it.
  4. Imagine yourself behaving in a worked out way in contexts in which you would like to trigger such behavior in yourself.
  5. Check what has changed and how you feel equipped with a New skill.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is the right to be free, to not allow anyone or anything from the past to bind you in your current actions.

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When we don’t forgive, we keep alive those energy that bind us to the person that hurt us, or to the pain itself. Not forgiving holds us back from experiencing the full range of positive emotions, because the energy we might otherwise devote to living joyously in our own experience is being used up on a particularly painful experience that we can no longer control.

Many people live their lives hating people or events from their past, allowing these things to cloud their present day experience. You need to  forgive yourself and move on from the past.

It frees us from anger, harm and bitterness, emotions that not only don’t feel good but they can also ruin our physical health and hold us back from all the good we might achieve and experience. Forgiveness releases your energy and give you a space to develop. When you forgive, you’re giving a gift of mental, emotional, and spiritual freedom to yourself.

Release your bitter feelings. We need to forgive ourselves first. Why it is so difficult?

When we’ve done something wrong, we register it in our nervous system. A mistake that costs us something we want might have sadness attached to it. If we try to forgive ourselves for something without releasing the underlying emotion or belief we’ve attached to it, the forgiveness just doesn’t take. To release that part of your past that you need to forgive, it’s helpful to remember that we’re all doing the best we can in any moment.

Acknowledge your feelings related to the situation and actually feel them

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In order to forgive ourselves, we first have to admit to ourselves that we did something wrong. We have to take ownership and acknowledge the mistake. Please do not changing the past in your mind by trying cleaned up yourself, and just admit that something had happened.  It’s helpful to remember that mistakes, failures and even incredibly stupid acts are part of being human. It’s how we learn and grow.

When you really love someone, isn’t it easier to forgive and see it as a one-time event?  Do you have such loving, trusting relationship with yourselves?

Many of us are much more critical of ourselves than we are of others. We’ll give other people the benefit of the doubt, but won’t give ourselves any slack at all. When you’re dealing with a person you don’t trust or like, you can choose to forgive, release the hurt, and simply not maintain contact with such person anymore. With yourself? Not an option. You don’t get to quit or walk away from yourself.

You need to get your relationship with you to be more positive. It is extremely helpful to establish self-acceptance and self-love. Eliminate from your mind negative emotions. Make the choice to forgive yourself and others.

Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. And you may need to forgive again and again sometimes until that becomes your New normal. Forgiveness is not about accepting another’s actions and definitely doesn’t mean we condone certain behavior or allow any further abuse.We don’t need to trust someone or something in order to forgive, and we don’t need to invite someone over for coffee or tea because we’ve decided to cut the cords of suffering.

When forgiving another, we are not releasing them from what they have done. Forgiveness isn’t even about the other person. The choice to forgive is always a gift we give ourselves.

Holding a grudge against someone for a past event does not effect the other person in any way, it only effects you so release yourself from the past and enjoy the right to be free.

“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future” Paul Boese

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Continue reading “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”

Perfectionism and Acceptance

You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging Brene Brown

Long time ago at the beginning of my professional legal career one MB member of company I had been working with came to my office late night once I had been still there working. We spoke about kids and life and I explained to him what I am working on once my child is at home sick. He did a great favour for me by recommending amazingly good doctor for my child. He did also another thing by saying that: Nobody is perfect. The second thought I understood many years after that moment.

Perfectionism saved me from drowning, but it didn’t help me to swim. I was treading water, staying safe, and desperately trying to control my reality, which is never truly possible. I had been never satisfied by anything less than perfection, never satisfied with my success. Becoming depressed when faced with failure or disappointment and becoming overly defensive when criticized. What I realized later was at the heart of perfectionism is the desire for love and acceptance. A very common defense against shame is the drive for perfection.

I have been extremely lucky to meet a lot of good people on my life journey and also I am still working on my emotional development. Somewhere along my journey I learned how to setting standards that are still high but within reach and enjoying process as well as outcome small and big one. I am trying to bouncing back quickly from failure or disappointment and see mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning. There is no shame in mistakes, just an opportunity to grow.

Improving your self-acceptance or self-compassion is the way forward to overcoming self-blaming tendencies and overcoming perfectionism and hidden shame of failure.

Mindfulness meditation for being present

Mindfulness meditation for being present

Well, I have been always thinking that it is something very boring and not for me that I need any active sport to recuse my bad emotions, like running, horse riding, horse jumping, swimming and tennis, skiing to engage actively my body and I still need such exercises and love it. However, I discovered something special, miracle that helps me to be focuses and present. It is exactly mindfulness meditation. After a while it takes like a few minutes to relax my body and mind. I could have 20 min if I have enough time for longer meditation. It is anyway really difficult to find such time and space with two kids and all obligations and engagements but I am trying to do this every day. It is not really crazy idea but helps very much to reduce the stress be optimistic, powerful and present.

Mental training practice

Mindfulness meditation is a mental training practice that involves focusing your mind on your experiences, like your own emotions, thoughts, and sensations in the present moment. Mindfulness meditation can involve breathing practice, mental imagery, awareness of body and mind, and muscle and body relaxation. Some people do it for 10 minutes, but even a few minutes every day can make a difference.

How to start?

It is good to start in a quiet and comfortable place and then after some trainings you can do this also once driving, doing the dishes, brushing your teeth, exercising, bedtime. Sit in a chair or on the floor, upright with your head, neck, and back straight but not stiff, eyes closed, palms resting on their laps, feet flat on the floor and try to put aside all thoughts of the past and the future and stay in the present. Really difficult…. It would be helpful to have classical music on. Then you need to become aware of your breath, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out of your body as you breathe. Feel your belly rise and fall, and the air enter your nostrils and leave your mouth. Take a slow, deep breath in counting to 9, then pause counting to 3 and slowly let your breath out counting to 9 and then pause to 3. Pay attention to the way each breath changes and is different. Focus on your breathing. Watch thought come and go, whether it be a fear anxiety, hope or worry. When thoughts come up in your mind, don’t ignore or suppress them but simply note them, remain calm and use your breathing as a main driver.

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Paying attention to the present, breathing and observing without judging

Our mind wanders all the time, either reviewing the past or planning for the future. Mindfulness teaches you the skill of paying attention to the present by noticing when your mind wanders off. Come back to your breath. It’s a place where we can rest and settle our minds. Listening and feeling your breath gives your brain the signal that you’re ready to be calm, relaxed and focused. Mindfulness is all about observation without judgement.

It is so boaring…..

During your meditation, you may find yourself uncomfortable, distracted, anxious, bored or experiencing any number of thoughts and feelings. These experiences are important for the practice of mindfulness. By simply observing them like clouds passing in the sky, you are training your brain to detach and observe instead of judge and react. When an emotion or feeling comes up, say in your mind: I see that I am thinking. The practice in mindfulness is learning how to detach from all our thoughts and simply be in the presence of it, calm and without judging it or trying to change it. Practice makes perfect and each time you are starting from more advanced level and it’s going to be more and more admiring and passionate journey. Be patient with yourself and it is really worth to tells your brain how you’d like to process and handle the day ahead.

Before tough conversation or task

I discovered that I stop breathing when I have to suddenly concentrate on some demanding tasks and then my heart starts to beat faster. Currently I concentrate for a while on my breathing and feel calm and mindfulness having everything under control.

Before you pick up the phone to have a tough conversation or step into an uncomfortable scenario, take a moment to stop, close your eyes, and take at least three deep breaths to center yourself. Notice your breath and heartbeat slow down. If you find your nerves and heart rate are still running, take a few more deep breaths. When you’re able to step into a tough situation with a calmer mind, you choose your words more carefully and show up with more mindful reactions and presence.

Take the action

Do it today instead of reading tons of articles on the internet if it helps etc. Set aside the time. If you’re thinking to yourself that you don’t have the time, consider the spaces in between things where you normally browse the internet, scroll through social media or watch TV. Somewhere in those spaces, you’ll find at least 5-10 minutes that you can devote to mindfulness. Hope it helps:) 

Any comment are very welcome. Please forward this article or like it, if you think it has been worth to read. Thank you!

You should write down your goals

Any road will get you there, if you don’t know where you are going, Lewis Carroll

Usually we hear a lot about the importance of goal-setting but most of us don’t have clear and measurable goals to work toward. Goal setting is an important component of living your most happy life.  Goals allow us to grow, to improve, to step into new versions of ourselves. Goals step by step realization can improve your chances not only of achieving what you set out to do, but also of ensuring that your goals are truly in alignment with what you want.  

What do you really want to create for yourself? What does your ideal life look like? Don’t be afraid to think big.

The first step to creating a goal is to figure out what you want. If you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you need to achieve to get there. It’s important to get clarity on what you really value and hold true for yourself.  If you set a goal based on some external influence, another person’s value system or simply to please someone, you’re much more likely to fail shortly. Goals become powerful and transformative when there are strong emotional drivers backing them. You need to find out why this would create a happier life. You need to write down your goals. Use emotions and feelings to give new depth to why it matters to you.  You need to transfer yourself to that future moment in time once you will achieve the goal. How will you feel?  

Taking thoughtful action steps but these steps will be far more effective once you’ve got the clarity of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.  

The power of visualizing your goals

The idea behind visualizing your goals is that if you “see” your goal, you are more likely to achieve Take note of the details. What does your day look like? Where are you living? Try to incorporate all senses in your vision to make it most effective. Focus on details, limit distractions, turn off your cell phone. Visualize what do you see, hear, smell, taste and feel throughout this ideal day. It teaches your brain to recognize what resources it will need to help you succeed in reaching your goals. It creates an inner motivation to strive for your goals and dreams It promotes positive thinking  which will help you to stay on track to be successful in the long run.

The neurons in our brain interpret images as real life. So when you visualize doing things, your body is creating pathways and memories of how to do that action even though you never actually performed the action. I think it is wonderful attitude and worth to use it.  Visualization is a tool for reaching success and your goals. It works alongside hard work, surrounding yourself with good people, and pushing yourself to be your very best. 

Make it measurable

Take your vision and turn it into a written list of concrete goals. If in your ideal world you are working for yourself. Choose an achievable time frame to accomplish your goals as well as measurable details so you know exactly when you’ve achieved them. Most of our goals are a build-up of many small achievements. Break big steps into smaller and smaller steps until goals seem less daunting and achievable. Benchmarks are a great way to keep you on track. Adjust your expectations and timeline as you gather more information while achieving your aims.

Celebrate your success, these small one and big

The most important part of goal-setting is celebrating our successes. As we journey to the realization of our goals, it’s important to remember our vision. Why we want something can provide us with the motivation and determination to continue to work toward it even when things don’t go as planned or are more difficult than we anticipated.

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